i just got tossed out of the sack for snoring. well not exactly tossed out, it was more of a voluntary self-ejection after wookie told me to turn over on my side because i was making a ruckus. i’ve got a history of snoring so maybe i’m a little sensitive, i’ll admit. i come from a long line of snorers and big noses and deviated septums and other ailments of the schnozz so i guess i can chalk it up to genetics but that could be a stretch because it only happens sometimes and usually it’s when i’m feeling at least semi-stuffers.
when i drank it was louder and more consistent and beware any light or even near-heavy sleepers in the vicinity. i drank enough to end up in detox 3 times and all 3 visits were marred by the nighttime sound-emissions emanating from my less-than-humble proboscis. they were also marred by the fact that my drinking was so out of control that i ended up in detox 3 times but that’s another story, right now i want to focus on the snoring. my first visit started in the early morning at a place called coda in tigard. the 1st thing they did was some blood work to check on my vitals and when they were prepping me a member of the staff leaned in real close and said “you’ve really been at it pretty hard, haven’t you?” in a snarky voice. i didn’t like that very much and enjoyed the test results even less, they basically said that my liver was fucked and if i didn’t shape up i was doomed to a life of cirrhosis and death. but back to the snoring. they stuck me in a room with a vietnamese fellow whose name escapes me and i was so out of it that i didn’t even realize i had a roomate anyways. and the next morning i didn’t, apparently i snored so goddamned loud that i drove the poor fellow out of the room and into a different part of the facility. that was nice because it meant i had my own room for the whole week i was there.
having my own room at hooper detox was impossible because there weren’t any rooms, there were 2 enormous wards(one for guys and one for girls) that were packed from wall to wall with beds and most of those beds were filled. hooper has more of an institutional feel, like a cross between a hospital and prison and they take your clothes away right off the bat, make you shower and then they give you scrubs. they let me keep my own slippers, though, which was nice. anyways i had a bed in the corner right next to a guy named thomas and for the next few days me and thomas hung out a lot and played dice. before the games began, however, he was treated to an entire night of me snoring away and the next morning when i woke up he looked at me in astonishment and said “i’ve never heard anyone snore like that” which is saying something because he was a junkie and had been in hooper several times before(recidivism rates in the wonderful world of addiction are extremely high) and so had been exposed to many other snorers in his short time on the planet. while he was telling me about the racket i had generated the night previous an old guy across the way was snoring away(having slept through the loud buzzer that went off at 8 sharp every morning) and he was LOUD, friend, like he could’ve been heard from MLK boulevard(we were on the 2nd floor). so i says to thomas “i’m not THAT loud, am i?” and he says plainly and w/conviction “oh yeah”. believe me, a guy could easily get self-conscious about these things.
there was also ANOTHER trip to coda but by this time i had gotten the picture and so talked the staff into letting me sleep in the tv room, away from the other fuck-ups. that sort of worked except there was one graveyard lady who insisted on turning the tv on to keep her awake and as a result the sounds of shitty tv shows(are there any other kind?) kept ME up all night. that and the lumpy couch. the other parts of my stay were actually pretty nice, we had a crew of 7 in there(it’s kind of a social-model facility) and i liked all of them, especially betty who was a phlebotomist who was there because she had a half-gallon-of-whiskey-a-night habit she couldn’t seem to quit and so voluntarily committed herself into detox with the blessings of her employer. when we got out we were supposed to go to AA meetings together but i got drunk before the 1st one and i never heard from her again. i wonder why?
i could also tell you about the shock caused by my snoring when i got locked up in rehab but that’s a long tale that we’ll just have to save for another time. my liver’s just fine now and my heart is hardly broken and so things are looking up.